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Choices. 8/10/2007

A man wakes up in hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The doctor comes in and says, “Ah, I see you’ve regained consciousness. Now you probably won’t remember, but you were in a pile-up on the motorway. You’re going to be OK, you’ll walk again, and everything, but something happened. I’m trying to break this gently but your penis was chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it.”

Now the bloke groans a bit but the doctor goes on, “You’ve got £9000 insurance compensation coming to you and we have the technology now to build you a new penis that will work as well as your old one did, better in fact. But the thing is, it doesn’t come cheap. It’s a thousand pounds an inch.”

The bloke perks up at this. “So the thing is”, the doctor says, “it’s for you to decide how many inches you want. But it’s something you’d better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you had a five inch one before and you decide to go for a nine incher she might be a bit put out. But if you had a nine inch one before and you decide only to invest in a five inches this time she might be disappointed. So it’s important that she plays a role in helping you make the decision.”

The bloke agrees to talk with his wife and the doctor comes back the next day.

“So”, says the doctor, “Have you spoken with your wife?”

“I have.” says the fellow.

“And has she helped you in making the decision?”

“She has” says the bloke.

“And what is it?” asks the doctor …

“We’re going to renovate the kitchen.”

The hills are alive. 7/17/2007

Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was travelling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer’s daughter asked her father, “Who is that man going into the barn?”

“That fellow is travelling through,” said the farmer. “Needs a place to stay for the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn.”

The daughter said, “Perhaps he is hungry.” So she prepared him a plate of food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer’s wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn, And she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the Farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the Visitor was gone, she broke into tears. “How could He leave without even saying goodbye,” she cried. “We made such passionate love last night!”

“What?” shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was Halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, “I’m going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!”

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out…..

“LAIDTHEOLDLAYDEETOO”

Spaghetti. 6/25/2007

A wealthy man was having an affair with an Italian woman for several years.

One night, during one of their rendezvous, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, he said he would pay her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18.

She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for child support payments to begin.

One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife. His wife said, “Honey, you received a very strange post card today.”

“Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it,” he said. The wife handed him the card and watched as her husband read the card, turned white and collapsed.

She picked the card up from her husband’s comatose hand, and turned it over. On the card was written: “Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Two with meatballs, one without! Request bread…”

Leaning. 6/21/2007

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place.

Grandma couldn’t speak very well, but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.

After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members grabbed her, straightened her up, and stuffed pillows on her right.

A short time later, she started leaning off to her left, so again the family grabbed her and stuffed pillows on her left.

Soon she started leaning forward, so the family members again grabbed her, then tied a pillowcase around her waist to hold her up.

A grandson, who arrived late, came up to Grandma and said, “Hi, Grandma, you’re looking good! How are they treating you?”  Grandma took out her little notepad and slowly wrote a note to the grandson…

“They won’t let me fart.”

Lost pen. 6/6/2007

A nurse walks into a bank totally exhausted after a 20 hour shift.

Preparing to write a cheque, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it.

She looks at the flabbergasted teller and without missing a beat says, “Well! That’s great … that’s really great … some asshole’s got my pen.”

Hermaphrodite. 5/15/2007

Minutes after a woman gave birth to her baby, her doctor stood solemnly at her bedside, and said: “I have something I must tell you about your baby.”

“What’s wrong?” the alarmed mother asked.

“Your baby is a hermaphrodite.”

“What’s that?”

“It means your baby has both male and female parts.”

“Oh my Goodness, that’s wonderful!” the woman exclaimed. You mean it has a penis and a brain? That doesn’t happen often!”

I saw earthlings. 4/19/2007

A waiter asks a man, May I take your order, sir?

Yes, the man replies. I’m just wondering, exactly how do you prepare your chickens?

Nothing special, sir. We just tell them straight out that they’re going to die.

* To put this joke in context, someone recently watched “I saw earthlings“.

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